Renewed Confidence?

23 Jul

In the midst of this new-found confidence that is supposed to be 30, I realize that a lot of the same emotions that I felt when I was 20 are still in rotation in my mind. They are definitely more developed but spots of insecurity do creep into my psyche and latch on to my confidence. I find myself having more questions and even fewer answers as I a dive into a non-ending spiral of even more questions.

At 20, I wondered are there any “good guys” out there? At 30, I ask the same question which is soon followed by “but what is actually considered good?” “Do I actually want good (by the true sense of the term)?” “Why am I preoccupied with this notion of finding a guy at all, shouldn’t they be finding me?”

All of these questions make me feel at times just as insecure or better yet unsure about all of these life categories. However instead of just putting pressure on myself, I am also feeling it from the outside. Sure I am supposed to be okay with where I am in every phase in life, but I finding myself thinking “Hey God, are you there it’s me Evangeline?” more and more with each passing day. All that society (my friends and family included) is expecting of me is often times at war with what I expect from myself or even have accepted as a critical part of my value system.

According to popular belief; Not being married at 30, not having a child at 30, not even having a defined career at 30 are the ingredients of someone who is not focused, with no plan-similarly to being 20 and not in college, with no job, no car, or no plans to move out of your parents house. These societal expectations of an ever fluctuating paradigm (if you ask me) can leave any 30-year-old feeling just like they did at 20 right? Or is it just me? On my 31st birthday the sales girl at Macys guessed that I was 23 (bless her heart), maybe she was on to something…


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