Archive | October, 2011

“Blue Rose”

28 Oct

There was a time when I thought that if:

I got straight A’s, I’d be praised

If I was thinner, I’d be complimented

If I was quiet, I’d be intriguing

If I spoke up, I’d be respected

If I were social, I’d be popular

If I were wilder, I’d be a hot commodity

If I were liberal, I would liberated

If I were funnier, I’d be the life of the party

If I was docile, I’d be respected

If I loved harder, I’d be loved in return

I thought that if I somehow managed the perfect balance of being what other’s wanted from me and what I wanted, I’d finally be viewed as an obedient daughter, loving granddaughter, niece, sister, cousin, dependable friend, a gracious lover. But trying to be all that to everyone left me unfulfilled and spent because in the midst of considering everyone else, I forgot about me.

Now, I’m working on putting my desires first because I’ve accepted that most of the steps that I take in this life are lonely, meaning the repercussions of my choices are mine to bear. And besides dealing with my personal disappointment has proven to be easier than the disappointment of others.

“Growing Pains”

26 Oct

I’m quite cerebral. I mean, I spend a lot of time in my head, analyzing, intellectualizing, manipulating, all in attempt to understand my thoughts, and behavior. Because of this, I am always under a self-imposed microscope (of sorts) often reflecting and replaying events, conversations, missteps, words that I have spoken (or not)…I am in a sense acutely aware of my short-comings and growth opportunities. I often pray that I don’t go into the ground the same way I have been, hoping to somehow crack my code and become the best person that I can muster up the strength and courage to achieve. I’m growing to accept that in doing this, I am always in transition. It’s impossible to want and pray for change and remain constant, but

OH THE GROWING PAINS!!!

This journey is not without resistance, many tears, bouts of loneliness, and frustration, but in all the bitter, there are elements of sweet that are enticing and intriguing, encouraging me to keep at it and not flee (which is ever the challenge).

Relationship Obsession

17 Oct

Why does it seem like some people are obsessed with relationships? They seek advice about relationships and the decisions they make pertaining to developing said relationships they spend money on books and therapists to manage their relationships. There are songs, movies-in many ways a whole industry dedicated to relationships. And all the while people are getting criticized for being “too relationship focused”.

I’ve often heard the advice to just “get over it” after a tough break up and it has never ceased to be upsetting (even if I do eventually heed the advice). But isn’t it natural to be obsessed over something that is essential for survival? It has been proven that an infant can die if never receiving personal touch or contact with another source of life, so the innate programming to be “obsessed” over friendships, popularity, being in love, affection, dating, marriage and the like, should be a part of who we are. Not many people (if they are truly honest with themselves) want to live a life in complete solitude and isolation (even after a string of negative personal interactions). We all want to be loved, appreciated, validated and who can achieve that solo?

“Stop This Train”

16 Oct

It’s been a while since my last post and all I can say is that sometimes breaks are necessary…

I’m finding more and more these days that I am rarely prepared or equipped to handle this ride of life; the speed bumps, abrupt stops, and fast acceleration. I realize that no book I have read, class I have taken, or advice given could have gotten me ready for the emotional tailspin I find myself in as I reflect and analyze my growth (which in some ways is stunted to say the least).

I have never been fearless, but I did approach life with tenacity and a clear vision of where I wanted to end up, what I wanted to achieve, a plan on how I was going to get there. I didn’t spend too much time analyzing my moves, I just made them. That was when I was younger. Before I felt the consequential sting of my choices.  Now I feel more tentative. 

While I’m not comfortable in this state, I have accepted that when you choose life, you are automatically signing up for the ride. So, I am not exempt from the ebbs and flows of growth and maturity. But honestly, being ill-prepared is so damn frustrating. So, in that frustration, I at times have to block out the noise and distraction so that I allow myself to be present in the moment; to grasp what I am supposed to learn and take stock of my strengths as well as opportunities as a means to keep it all in perspective. Hence my absence. Oddly enough though, writing is just the therapy I need to aid in my refocus, so here I sit at this computer committing to my growth. I often say that I don’t want to go into the ground the same as when I was born, so clearly as painful as it may be, this is requisite in the achievement of that goal.