“Blue Rose”

28 Oct

There was a time when I thought that if:

I got straight A’s, I’d be praised

If I was thinner, I’d be complimented

If I was quiet, I’d be intriguing

If I spoke up, I’d be respected

If I were social, I’d be popular

If I were wilder, I’d be a hot commodity

If I were liberal, I would liberated

If I were funnier, I’d be the life of the party

If I was docile, I’d be respected

If I loved harder, I’d be loved in return

I thought that if I somehow managed the perfect balance of being what other’s wanted from me and what I wanted, I’d finally be viewed as an obedient daughter, loving granddaughter, niece, sister, cousin, dependable friend, a gracious lover. But trying to be all that to everyone left me unfulfilled and spent because in the midst of considering everyone else, I forgot about me.

Now, I’m working on putting my desires first because I’ve accepted that most of the steps that I take in this life are lonely, meaning the repercussions of my choices are mine to bear. And besides dealing with my personal disappointment has proven to be easier than the disappointment of others.

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