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“Ex-Factor”

23 Aug

I know I fell short of your expectations. But as my mother always tells me, “when you put your expectations on someone else, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed.” I couldn’t give you what you wanted and although you are a great man it was as much your fault as it was mine.
You kept pulling for me to be more and different, like I wasn’t enough as I was. So I rebelled at first and then slowly started to withdraw in order to protect myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to give my best to someone who didn’t see the best in me.
Sure I wasn’t ready to embrace your world, but what about who I was? What I actually did possess versus all that I was missing. I needed your praise as much as your critical eye.
I do hope that you find love, but first you may want to look into what love truly is, and what it definitely is not. How being a responsible steward of it can lead you to great reward, but poor handling will only lead to loss. I’m sure you’ll get there, but I won’t be standing by you to witness it because in your absence I gave myself fully to love and where you lost, I truly gained…

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G.I. Joe

16 Aug

My dating life has brought me in contact with many G.I. Joes.  Before you get all psyched, I do not mean actual soldiers or even the figurative soldiers described in the Destiny’s Child anthem. In my case G.I. stands for Good Imposters. You know, the ones who claim to be a certain person and end up being his evil twin or in some cases the boring twin, the passive aggressive twin, or the I-stole-this-character-description-from-a-dating-handbook twin!?

Men are as guilty as women when it comes to telling people what they want to hear and tailoring their life to fit what they assume a woman wants as opposed to who they truly are. But what’s worse? Don’t be cocky with it! Don’t claim to be a college grad when you only attended one semester of a community college, a sushi lover when you only eat fried shrimp or a connoisseur of fine things when you cannot even pronounce Louboutin (let alone buy a pair). If you are truly happy with who you are, that should speak for itself. If you’re not, change it. But whatever you decide, please stop attempting to lure women with the facade of a man because it’s only a matter of time before the veil falls and your sham is exposed.

“The Blame Game”

15 Aug
Jungle Fever

Image via Wikipedia

“You Black women have issues. That’s why I’m gonna start dating women from another race!”

Sounds ridiculous, right? Well I’ve actually heard that on a few occasions and each time my response is laughter followed by a barrage of questions (due to my naturally inquisitive nature).

Don’t get me wrong, I can understand the frustration. Us women feel it too at times, but the threat of dating outside of your race as a solution to your “problem” just seems ludicrous to me. Well first, because if certain members of my family hadn’t made the choice to date/marry outside of their race, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be short some family members and some of my friends wouldn’t exist. So the statement alone doesn’t present a threat to me. It also doesn’t upset me that these men want to date interracially, I am more upset at their immaturity. Boys blame their issues on others, not men. So essentially these guys are throwing their toys down and stomping off because they cannot get their way.  Instead of looking at the specific situation and individuals involved, and taking accountability for the role they played in their sour circumstance, they would rather play the blame game.

THAT’S THE ISSUE!

Successful relationships are made up of two mature adults. You can date anyone from any race and at the end of the day you would run into the same issue because the problem doesn’t lie with the women, it lies within you and possibly your choices (because it is a possibility that the “women” you are choosing may be the problem). Work on that first, and you’d probably increase your success rate.

“Daughters”

12 Aug

I have heard a lot of men say that they can tell when a woman has been raised with a father in the home. What I’ve realized is that fathers need to be more than just present, more than just a testosterone filled force that looms around the household as an intimidating figure that threatens potential suitors in between going to work and paying the bills.

Fathers need to be active in their daughters’ lives. Just like fathers are supposed to (stereotypically) play baseball with their sons in the backyard, men need to engage with their daughters too and not just for the proclamation of having a “daddy’s girl”, but because women need a strong foundation in their primary male relationship in order to function socially.

A father needs to show his daughter love and affection so that she won’t crave it. So that she won’t fall for the first guy that gives her a compliment. A father should be so encouraging and affirming that the this girl already knows the woman she is destined to be.  A father should be an example of what a man should be in terms of responsibilities yes, but more in the way he interacts with the world. How does he treat women? Other people? How does he address and resolve challenges? Is he even-tempered or highly reactive?

A father can essentially keep his daughter from being screwed (whatever way you take this statement). He can be the first person she learns to stand up to, so that defending her beliefs or demanding the respect she deserves from other men in the world won’t be a foreign concept. Women have minimal issues standing up to other women. When she is denied the salary increase she deserves, when the boss asks her how much she wants the promotion, as he places his hand on her knee, a woman needs to know how to handle the situation. Who better for the role of teacher, than a father.

What I find is that fathers at times feel that with a daughter, their role is limited. That as long as he keeps his daughter “off the pole (as Chris Rock puts it)” he’s been successful. As long as she doesn’t end up a teen pregnancy statistic or with some deadbeat thug, his job is done, but what these father’s don’t realize that is there are countless educated, worldly successful women who are broken and clueless. Broken because they don’t know their true value, never having been validated by the man who gave them life. Clueless when it comes to how to manage healthy relationships with men because they’ve spent their lives simply “dealing” with men; mastering the skillful art of obedience and invisibility. Sure these women are not strippers, but these women are not whole. And the only one who can heal the issue is a father.

“Let’s Not Play the Game”

9 Jul

Men, You need to start talking. In person. To us. Women.

Not just when you want some one on one action in between the sheets either. Or when you need help hashing out an issue at work or with a family member. Why? Because we are interested in what is going on in your heart. Not your mind. Your heart. We’re growing weary of this game playing of trying to read your nonverbal gestures as a means to figure it out. Sure, you have a lot to say. At times. Like when you feel like it. But what if that is not enough? What if you are not receiving what you want from us because you never really ask? What if the attitude and cold shoulder you are on the receiving end of is because you choose silence when the situation requires spoken sentiment?

We want to know how you feel, and while crying is not for the faint of heart, we crave the verbal expression of the emotion being stirred behind your ribs.

I’m speaking for generations and legions of women when I say that we don’t want to read your pursed lips and over-emphasized mandibles, implying clenched teeth that we see through the flesh right at your jaw line; as a method of understanding you, nor your hunched shoulders while you stare past us into space. While we do profess to be powerful, mind-reading is not one of our abilities. We really want to know how you feel about us even if it isn’t favorable and to leave all that to the imagination of a woman is actually creating an even bigger issue for you.

We speak because it is important to us that you hear the content of our hearts directly from us. It may surprise you, even vex you, but in the end, you know. There is no mystery; No veil of secrecy that shrouds our true desires. It is our gift to you. Because we love you that much. Because we feel you deserve the truth. Because we would love for you to return the favor.

Mister Transparent

20 Jun

Dear Mr. Transparent,

You were a surprise! All of the dating books say that women have an issue of disclosing too much on a first date, but I think that they forgot you as an exception when writing that chapter. Now before you get things twisted, thank you so much for your transparency and blatant honesty because you saved the both of us a lot of time and possible heartache, but here’s a tip: if you expose all of the cards in your hand, you most definitely lose the game.

I could accept what you did for a living, (helping those in needs always gets you a bonus) and even your dry humor. And the flattery? I mean what woman doesn’t love that?! However after declaring that “all men cheat” right after responding that you don’t think of marriage or children as an option to your future, you certainly earned your place in the foolish hall of fame (And you wonder why you only attract a certain “type” of woman). Wise ones says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So I am going to take all that you say at face value and once again express my gratitude for your transparency, because your words gave me assurance of one thing, that giving you anymore of my time would be a waste, and for you, myself I would definitely not disgrace.

Thankfully,

Grateful Goddess

“Top 40” Guy

21 May
iPod-like pale green icon

Image via Wikipedia

I’m considering screening iPods as a filter for my dating pool. Simply because I’m tired of dating the Top 40 Guy. They just don’t do it for me. Something is consistently missing, which inhibits my making even a remnant of a lasting connection with them.

A Top 40 Guy is clearly preoccupied with his image but obviously misses the mark because he’s more concerned with fitting in than standing apart. Which leaves me asking, “So, how are you different from the other guy?” A Top 40 Guy talks ad nauseam about shit that doesn’t matter and is borderline irrelevant to our present interaction. I could care less about your ex girlfriend who is “gorgeous” but a crazed stalker or your celebrity crew. Similar to the cocky likes of Kanye and 50 Cent his vocabulary is laced with the word swag and even though his conversation is boring me to tears, he claims that in most cases, he’s “got it like that.”

The Top 40 Guy often over promises, but rarely delivers (and that is across the board). He spends hours talking about himself and doesn’t care to pause and ask a woman about herself beyond superficial questions like “Do you work out?” His compliments rarely veer from the obvious physical observations like “you have sexy lips” or “you have some pretty hair.” His wardrobe is straight from the extras in the background of a music video, often rocking a cross or a rosary all the while adamantly declaring that he is not at all religious. He may drive a flashy car, but rarely is the inside clean because the Top 40 Guy is too busy “hustling” to clean out the front seat BEFORE he picks you up for a date. But wait, WHO AM I KIDDING?! The Top 40 Guy doesn’t pick up dates because he’s always “grinding, trying to get that paper,” so he has to meet you there. Top 40 Guys tend to look good on the outside, but often miss the obvious indicators of good hygiene that women pay attention to like regular dental visits, clean ears, and trimmed clean nails.

So I’ve decided that upon meeting a guy I’m demanding to look at his iPod because if it’s filled with the likes of Lil Wayne, T.I., 50, Rick Ross, or whoever else is in heavy rotation on any major radio station, I know for a fact that he is not the man for me. Pretty much because he’s probably not really a man at all, but an overgrown boy in disguise who’s been brainwashed by the superficial bull**** that challenges my brain more than any chemistry course I ever took, and most likely will leave me fantasizing about a man who has depth and is actually open enough to explore more than what he is force-fed and brainwashed with.

Now I’m not knocking the Top 40 artists. They can get a party started and have the makings of a great workout mix, but mix it up with some jazz or underground artists, even some R&B that exists outside of the 90s or New Jack Swing era. Well, if you want to make a connection with me that is. Because my ears are exposed to the likes of Esthero, Darien Brockington, and Esperanza Spaulding along with Dilla and Sa-Ra, sprinkled with SantiGold, Sarah Vaughn and Otis Redding. Your Top 40 brain can’t compete with the intricate concavity of my level, both intellectual and emotional. I may be able to save us both some frustration and time if instead of exchanging numbers, we exchange iPods.

Alpha Male

6 May

Dear Alpha Male,

While I do respect and admire your drive toward your personal goals in the pursuit of accomplishment, I wonder if you will ever realize that your attitude is inhibiting your social growth. I acknowledge your hunter instinct, but in all your roaring and biting that you exhibit as you tear into the hearts of woman-kind, I hope you realize that what you are in fact demonstrating, is the complete opposite of what you are attempting to convey.

A man is one who has matured beyond boyhood. He can effectively communicate his emotions while striving for success and looks to embrace all that manhood entails which does include relationships. When you are quick to temper, you are showing that you have not mastered your emotions and are therefore led by them instead of being in control. That is not the sign of a man. A man also takes accountability for his choices and does not blame them on some other source. To say you have no desire to do something, or no interest is so much stronger than blaming your choice on the busyness of your schedule or interfering obligations. So I challenge you Alpha Male, is it to be a man that you seek, or simply male? The answer to that lies within your words, choices and actions; it is not a birth rite.

Sincerely,

Woman-Kind

“Weekend Love”

19 Apr

Dear Weekend Love,

While our time spent together has been brief, mutual interests have been many. Although we are both dealing with scarred hearts and apprehension, just know that I wouldn’t give my time and attention if I didn’t want to. I enjoy your taste, ability to enjoy life, titillating connections and waking up to you, but realize that it is hard to deal with the miles between us. I find myself wondering if you find your weekends as enjoyable as I do and if at times you want the moments to never cease, but since you rarely call I am left with a heart of questions and very few answers. I acknowledge that absence does make the heart grow fonder but that often arises after spending time developing a deeper level of affection. You could change all that. If you really wanted to. I want you to know that you can choose the type of man who you want to be and the reputation that you leave behind. Reliability and the ability to be candid are more valuable than finesse and charm. You don’t have to settle for simply being a weekend lover out of fear that asking for or expecting more may open you up to hurt. Some of the greatest pain ever experienced reaped even greater benefits. 

With a Loving Heart, 

Lovelorn Lady 

http://youtu.be/-EpVHaOxSyM