Tag Archives: Friendship

“Lovers and Friends”

24 Jul

One of my favorite books is Friends and Lovers which I read when I was 19, ironically with the man who would serve in those dual roles for me (although I had no idea at the time). I’ve gone through the hills and valleys of relationships over the years since him, and I realize one imperative factor in successful relationships is friendship. It’s the necessary ingredient for true love, selflessness-the foundation of respect.

It took me living, “loving” and discarding or being discarded while carelessly casting aside their feelings or wallowing in mine, to realize that friendship is what was missing-the contributor to the demise of another “love” gone by.

Love and friendship are not mutually exclusive (except, perhaps by links of DNA). One cannot exist without the other, especially in romantic relationships.

Friendship is what inspires the giving that drives the reciprocity which starts the fire that makes love grow. It makes you second guess your words and actions as to not intentionally cause harm. It aids you in loving who the person is and appreciating your differences, instead of trying to change them. It enables you to open up when you are broken and cling to the reasons you love them as opposed to searching for and giving attention to why you don’t. Friendship reinforces the fight to save the relationship when everything (and sometimes, everyone) is telling you to throw in the towel.

In my missteps, I realize I forgot the importance of friendship between me and the men I called myself “loving”. I was living in fast forward mode attempting to achieve greatness without the greatest component. I was attempting to paint a canvas without paint, create a song without music, write a love story without paper-I was setting myself up to fail. I know that now, and while developing a friendship takes time and patience, which at times seem to be in limited supply, I want the masterpiece. If friendship is essential for me to live out my love story, I am willing to put in the effort in order to gain the greatest reward.

Friends with Benefits

23 Jul

In light of the two movies released this year, “No Strings Attached” and “Friends With Benefits”, everyone has been forced, if not already entertaining, the possibility of whether engaging in such a relationship is plausible, for them.
Is it possible?
Sure for the noncommittal types who shy away from relationships due to fear, because who wants to willingly be hurt?
What are the risks?
You could possibly cheapen some interactions that have the potential to be deeper and of more value, while promoting others to a level of credibility that they don’t deserve.
Also the heart often ends up tangled in a mess that you couldn’t have prepared for even if you tried. Even if you claim no emotional attachment, you still remember their face, what they may have felt, smelled, sounded, or even tasted like. We can’t erase memories. You could potentially be filling up your memory bank with meaningless memories of people that aren’t even an active part of your life. This may not appear to be an issue at first, until you need or want the companionship and cannot reach out to the individuals who you’ve shared some of the most intimate parts of yourself with.
Okay, so are there any benefits?
Perhaps. Depending on you and the state of your “maturity”. I say this because I believe that monogamous, committed relationships between two actually require a level of maturity that most can only imagine possessing. So, if you’re not ready to be faithful and in some ways responsible and accountable for another person’s feelings, then maybe friends with benefits is the way to go.
Also as I’ve heard it phrased, maybe you just need a thorough cobweb dusting and don’t want to have to commit in order to indulge in the luxury of such.
Here’s the real deal though: the operative word in the arrangement is “FRIENDS” with said benefits. It seems like by even the way people discuss entertaining the idea, people are getting it twisted with a one night stand or “booty call”, and subsequently discard an imperative dynamic in the “arrangement”.
Friendship is rooted in mutual respect and love for a person. Think about who you call your friends. You wouldn’t knowingly hurt them or disregard their feelings to maintain your own. Would you use your friend for momentary satisfaction and then put them on the shelf until the need arose again? Probably not. So the definition of the relationship itself isn’t really set up to meet what your expectations of such a relationship can turn out to be.
So therein lies the rub (simply put, the catch 22). Friends with benefits is not the same as a one night stand. The potential risk and subsequent loss is in fact greater. You can cheapen a friendship by reducing them to means for physical gratification and risk losing a relationship of actual value. You must ask yourself: why would I pursue something cheap and of limited value when I deserve and may (even if it’s truly deep down) desire a relationship that is so much more?

“You’ve Got A Friend”

29 Jun

Thank God for friends! They’re the family you can choose, and since I had no involvement in the family I was “blessed” with, I am forever grateful for the angels that exist in the form of my friends.

My friends remind me of who I am when the world is telling me who I am not. Instead of questioning my audacity to try something new, they encourage me to take a leap. Instead of trying to fit me into a tiny box, they accept me as I come (at times with so much baggage that they can’t even begin to attempt to fit me into any confined space, for they’d be suffocated along with me). They are honest with me and transparent, and exercise care in their chastising of me all while providing me with the safe space to return the favor. To be able to proclaim that I am surrounded with loving and supportive women and men is a luxury that I do not take for granted, for I am  aware that not everyone is able to say the same in the age of haters, debaters, and instigators. But for those who are struggling to find a support system and are tired of feeling alone in a world of billions, I suggest creating your friendship circle, they really come in handy. But do not forget one of the golden rules: To have a friend, you have to be one. You should hope that you can reciprocate the good deed so that someone can say all these great things about you one day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHlcW_lKPl4