Tag Archives: Modern Love

G.I. Joe

16 Aug

My dating life has brought me in contact with many G.I. Joes.  Before you get all psyched, I do not mean actual soldiers or even the figurative soldiers described in the Destiny’s Child anthem. In my case G.I. stands for Good Imposters. You know, the ones who claim to be a certain person and end up being his evil twin or in some cases the boring twin, the passive aggressive twin, or the I-stole-this-character-description-from-a-dating-handbook twin!?

Men are as guilty as women when it comes to telling people what they want to hear and tailoring their life to fit what they assume a woman wants as opposed to who they truly are. But what’s worse? Don’t be cocky with it! Don’t claim to be a college grad when you only attended one semester of a community college, a sushi lover when you only eat fried shrimp or a connoisseur of fine things when you cannot even pronounce Louboutin (let alone buy a pair). If you are truly happy with who you are, that should speak for itself. If you’re not, change it. But whatever you decide, please stop attempting to lure women with the facade of a man because it’s only a matter of time before the veil falls and your sham is exposed.

“Top 40” Guy

21 May
iPod-like pale green icon

Image via Wikipedia

I’m considering screening iPods as a filter for my dating pool. Simply because I’m tired of dating the Top 40 Guy. They just don’t do it for me. Something is consistently missing, which inhibits my making even a remnant of a lasting connection with them.

A Top 40 Guy is clearly preoccupied with his image but obviously misses the mark because he’s more concerned with fitting in than standing apart. Which leaves me asking, “So, how are you different from the other guy?” A Top 40 Guy talks ad nauseam about shit that doesn’t matter and is borderline irrelevant to our present interaction. I could care less about your ex girlfriend who is “gorgeous” but a crazed stalker or your celebrity crew. Similar to the cocky likes of Kanye and 50 Cent his vocabulary is laced with the word swag and even though his conversation is boring me to tears, he claims that in most cases, he’s “got it like that.”

The Top 40 Guy often over promises, but rarely delivers (and that is across the board). He spends hours talking about himself and doesn’t care to pause and ask a woman about herself beyond superficial questions like “Do you work out?” His compliments rarely veer from the obvious physical observations like “you have sexy lips” or “you have some pretty hair.” His wardrobe is straight from the extras in the background of a music video, often rocking a cross or a rosary all the while adamantly declaring that he is not at all religious. He may drive a flashy car, but rarely is the inside clean because the Top 40 Guy is too busy “hustling” to clean out the front seat BEFORE he picks you up for a date. But wait, WHO AM I KIDDING?! The Top 40 Guy doesn’t pick up dates because he’s always “grinding, trying to get that paper,” so he has to meet you there. Top 40 Guys tend to look good on the outside, but often miss the obvious indicators of good hygiene that women pay attention to like regular dental visits, clean ears, and trimmed clean nails.

So I’ve decided that upon meeting a guy I’m demanding to look at his iPod because if it’s filled with the likes of Lil Wayne, T.I., 50, Rick Ross, or whoever else is in heavy rotation on any major radio station, I know for a fact that he is not the man for me. Pretty much because he’s probably not really a man at all, but an overgrown boy in disguise who’s been brainwashed by the superficial bull**** that challenges my brain more than any chemistry course I ever took, and most likely will leave me fantasizing about a man who has depth and is actually open enough to explore more than what he is force-fed and brainwashed with.

Now I’m not knocking the Top 40 artists. They can get a party started and have the makings of a great workout mix, but mix it up with some jazz or underground artists, even some R&B that exists outside of the 90s or New Jack Swing era. Well, if you want to make a connection with me that is. Because my ears are exposed to the likes of Esthero, Darien Brockington, and Esperanza Spaulding along with Dilla and Sa-Ra, sprinkled with SantiGold, Sarah Vaughn and Otis Redding. Your Top 40 brain can’t compete with the intricate concavity of my level, both intellectual and emotional. I may be able to save us both some frustration and time if instead of exchanging numbers, we exchange iPods.