“Let’s Not Play the Game”

Men, You need to start talking. In person. To us. Women.

Not just when you want some one on one action in between the sheets either. Or when you need help hashing out an issue at work or with a family member. Why? Because we are interested in what is going on in your heart. Not your mind. Your heart. We’re growing weary of this game playing of trying to read your nonverbal gestures as a means to figure it out. Sure, you have a lot to say. At times. Like when you feel like it. But what if that is not enough? What if you are not receiving what you want from us because you never really ask? What if the attitude and cold shoulder you are on the receiving end of is because you choose silence when the situation requires spoken sentiment?

We want to know how you feel, and while crying is not for the faint of heart, we crave the verbal expression of the emotion being stirred behind your ribs.

I’m speaking for generations and legions of women when I say that we don’t want to read your pursed lips and over-emphasized mandibles, implying clenched teeth that we see through the flesh right at your jaw line; as a method of understanding you, nor your hunched shoulders while you stare past us into space. While we do profess to be powerful, mind-reading is not one of our abilities. We really want to know how you feel about us even if it isn’t favorable and to leave all that to the imagination of a woman is actually creating an even bigger issue for you.

We speak because it is important to us that you hear the content of our hearts directly from us. It may surprise you, even vex you, but in the end, you know. There is no mystery; No veil of secrecy that shrouds our true desires. It is our gift to you. Because we love you that much. Because we feel you deserve the truth. Because we would love for you to return the favor.

Love’s Greatest Killer

Image by yanni via Flickr

“Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.”— Anaïs Nin

 

Anais Nin was right. For some time fear has affected my ability to love, the way I love, who I love, sometimes even how long I love them (if the “love” was ever really there to begin with). I’ve been able to acknowledge this personal truth for some time and have analyzed the concept to death with some resolve. I have been able to attribute it (to some degree) to my discomfort with the societal paradigms that dictate how my life should be lived, rarely taking into account who I truly am. I don’t think I am alone in this place, but I do find myself isolated at times when I ask the questions that challenge the status quo.

What I have chosen to do in order to address this issue is to take time and understand myself, what I need and value. What does love look and feel like to me? This is imperative because sometimes the world seems like it is working overtime to cheapen what love truly is and reduce it to a symbol that was recovered from a mine, or roses that were plucked to die, or sex which can be a manifestation of love, but in modern times rarely is discussed as such. They reduce love to a stream of actions and words and less of a way of being which has succeeded in confusing people (sometimes I am one of them).

 Women are running around believing that a man will buy them a house if they love them or a ring resembling a small ice-cube, while men are convincing themselves that because she doesn’t offer to give massages or cook for him or give him sex on a regular, she doesn’t love him. To me, love is very personal. So much so that it cannot be defined by some global standard of tokens, talismans, and superficial expressions. Love is a body of emotions that shapes and defines me, so who I open myself up to is important. Not just what they represent or the lifestyle they can afford me, but who they are inside. Hence the anxiety. We are anxious because we have challenges being true to our own personal definitions of love. Perhaps we don’t know ourselves enough to uncover this personal definition, or maybe we know, and are too afraid of judgement to personify that truth because it is in opposition to what we have been socialized to believe.

What I know is that I am on the one who has to walk the steps of this woman I have become, and I have to live out the repercussions of the decisions that I make, so it seem only wise to be truly responsible and accountable for the life that I live as well as the love I give and receive. Doing so, will enable me to be true to myself which in many cases will diminish the fear overtime because true fear should come in living a life based on other’s wishes, and not my own.  

 

Independent Woman

I’ve often been accused of being “too independent”.   I find that the term often gets hurled if a woman doesn’t fulfill a man’s expectations or asserts her preference, or expertise. That implication is never said in a positive way and most often is followed by some qualifier/explanation as to why “women” are single, or deemed un-loveable. It is viewed as an inhibitor to male/female relationships as opposed to a contributor to our success. I find myself wondering: Can someone really be “too” independent? I mean is independence really something that can exist in excess?

According to the Oxford Dictionary/Thesaurus: The definition (and synonyms) of independent is: Not ruled or controlled by another. Not relying on another; not connected (syn: autonomy, self-determination, freedom, self-sufficiency).

The true definition of independence in and of itself is not corrupt. However, the use of the term as an insult is. I’m proud to be independent because being so enables me to make decisions for myself that are necessary for my development and survival. I appreciate my ability to be a free-thinker and not base my choices on those of others, making me uneasily influenced. Being independent can at times set you apart from a crowd of followers. What intrigues me is the irony of being labeled an independent woman.

Why would a man want a woman who can be controlled? Wouldn’t that make her easy to be controlled by others outside of him?

I find that those who are attracted (not just in the physical sense) to me, are, because I defy expectations and labels in a myriad of ways. I don’t believe that I have to be any one way or do any specific things because of who people think I am and what they believe I should do. 

 The truth is, being independent got me to and through college. I valued my intellect when others believed I should value (and therefore focus on) my beauty. I am not afraid to assert my opinion which in many cases can be educational and sometimes even show you a shortcut to avoid traffic. Being independent has contributed to this music loving, travel channel and basketball watching (sometimes even shooting), stiletto and Nike wearing, self-proclaimed nerd who is an artist that also reads and cooks, all while balancing beauty and intellect. I am all those things because they are important to me. I don’t think any of these elements are in excess.

Being that independent woman does not mean that I do not want or need a man in my life. I believe that women and men need each other regardless of how independent we are because we will never truly understand what it means to be in each other’s skin (just based on science alone), and we need to guide each other through the differences as a means to better understanding and appreciation.

If we look at the true meaning of independence and its value, I ask, who wouldn’t want to possess that? If independence is a means to sustain and is imperative for survival, why should being so be viewed as an obstruction to healthy relationships?

“You’ve Got A Friend”

Thank God for friends! They’re the family you can choose, and since I had no involvement in the family I was “blessed” with, I am forever grateful for the angels that exist in the form of my friends.

My friends remind me of who I am when the world is telling me who I am not. Instead of questioning my audacity to try something new, they encourage me to take a leap. Instead of trying to fit me into a tiny box, they accept me as I come (at times with so much baggage that they can’t even begin to attempt to fit me into any confined space, for they’d be suffocated along with me). They are honest with me and transparent, and exercise care in their chastising of me all while providing me with the safe space to return the favor. To be able to proclaim that I am surrounded with loving and supportive women and men is a luxury that I do not take for granted, for I am  aware that not everyone is able to say the same in the age of haters, debaters, and instigators. But for those who are struggling to find a support system and are tired of feeling alone in a world of billions, I suggest creating your friendship circle, they really come in handy. But do not forget one of the golden rules: To have a friend, you have to be one. You should hope that you can reciprocate the good deed so that someone can say all these great things about you one day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHlcW_lKPl4

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Mister Transparent

Dear Mr. Transparent,

You were a surprise! All of the dating books say that women have an issue of disclosing too much on a first date, but I think that they forgot you as an exception when writing that chapter. Now before you get things twisted, thank you so much for your transparency and blatant honesty because you saved the both of us a lot of time and possible heartache, but here’s a tip: if you expose all of the cards in your hand, you most definitely lose the game.

I could accept what you did for a living, (helping those in needs always gets you a bonus) and even your dry humor. And the flattery? I mean what woman doesn’t love that?! However after declaring that “all men cheat” right after responding that you don’t think of marriage or children as an option to your future, you certainly earned your place in the foolish hall of fame (And you wonder why you only attract a certain “type” of woman). Wise ones says that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So I am going to take all that you say at face value and once again express my gratitude for your transparency, because your words gave me assurance of one thing, that giving you anymore of my time would be a waste, and for you, myself I would definitely not disgrace.

Thankfully,

Grateful Goddess

“Anniversary”

Image via Wikipedia

Today my parents have been married for 33 years! I have no idea how they do it in a world and time where so few others reach such a milestone. I question daily if I am even able, let alone willing to achieve the same marital success. Even further I wonder if my generation and younger are even equipped.
Our parents have done an excellent job of raising us to be driven and successful individuals, but that’s just it, individuals, not focused on our lives joining with someone else’s. There is an element of sacrifice associated with marriage and although the benefits may outweigh the costs, our generation is composed of selfish over-achievers who are in many ways obsessed with “doing me” to the point that the concept of “us and we” doesn’t even cross our minds.
Sure we may want to walk down the aisle and celebrate by doing the “Cupid Shuffle” at the reception, but a marriage is so much more than that.
So I ask: do we as a generation truly value marriage enough to adapt our culture of me, to a culture of we?

Playing Cool

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When do we let our guard down and say how we feel and what we want?

Over time some women have adopted a “male” approach to relationships as a means of adapting. These women play it cool with men (even the one’s they really like and want). As a defense mechanism against hurt, women have morphed into nonchalant robot versions of themselves. However if both parties are playing it cool, how is true intimacy born, let alone grow?

This attitude that we’ve adopted is in part contributing to the superficial relationships that many of us are trying to avoid. When you mask the truth (even if it is to avoid hurt), you are hiding what you truly feel and essentially who you are. If men and women are both seeking love, how do we reach that goal if we spend most of our effort running away from it?

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“First Love”

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We have the responsibility to love each other with the utmost level of integrity, kindness, respect, and appreciation. The irony is that most of us lack the necessary maturity when those first loves come into our lives. Due to this we often forget that this person we are on this journey with is sharing in an experience that is life defining, and somehow we mistakenly betray their trust in the purity of this experience. We only get one first. Wouldn’t you rather someone’s first taste be that of sweet as opposed to bitter?

A first love will always have a piece of your heart by default. Trying to fight against this is a war we cannot win. A first love becomes a barometer for all future loves, both good and bad.

I’ve tried for many years to replace my first love and although I found some seat-fillers, he couldn’t be replaced. Primarily on positioning alone, he was my first. I will only have one first. He was a great first. And herein lies the rub-having a great first can be a tough act to follow. Like so many of my cohorts, friends, and enemies, I have spent years chasing and/or attempting to duplicate the feelings that I experienced with my first love. The question is: can you really achieve that feeling again with someone who has a different heart and persona? We are unique individuals who embody a specific physical, chemical, mental and emotional makeup that define who we are. So can we fairly expect to achieve the same feelings we had with and for a first love with another person? I’m thinking, no.

So truthfully we never really do get over out first love. You simply put them in a cavern of your heart and make room for a second and subsequent loves. You can desire to have a great love with a new person which is achievable, but never again actually be the first love. In the end it may mirror the emotional bond and experience, but never duplicate and therefore will not be replaced.

http://youtu.be/NZjydUWD7f4

http://youtu.be/8sG2o2Zq0wI

“Top 40” Guy

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I’m considering screening iPods as a filter for my dating pool. Simply because I’m tired of dating the Top 40 Guy. They just don’t do it for me. Something is consistently missing, which inhibits my making even a remnant of a lasting connection with them.

A Top 40 Guy is clearly preoccupied with his image but obviously misses the mark because he’s more concerned with fitting in than standing apart. Which leaves me asking, “So, how are you different from the other guy?” A Top 40 Guy talks ad nauseam about shit that doesn’t matter and is borderline irrelevant to our present interaction. I could care less about your ex girlfriend who is “gorgeous” but a crazed stalker or your celebrity crew. Similar to the cocky likes of Kanye and 50 Cent his vocabulary is laced with the word swag and even though his conversation is boring me to tears, he claims that in most cases, he’s “got it like that.”

The Top 40 Guy often over promises, but rarely delivers (and that is across the board). He spends hours talking about himself and doesn’t care to pause and ask a woman about herself beyond superficial questions like “Do you work out?” His compliments rarely veer from the obvious physical observations like “you have sexy lips” or “you have some pretty hair.” His wardrobe is straight from the extras in the background of a music video, often rocking a cross or a rosary all the while adamantly declaring that he is not at all religious. He may drive a flashy car, but rarely is the inside clean because the Top 40 Guy is too busy “hustling” to clean out the front seat BEFORE he picks you up for a date. But wait, WHO AM I KIDDING?! The Top 40 Guy doesn’t pick up dates because he’s always “grinding, trying to get that paper,” so he has to meet you there. Top 40 Guys tend to look good on the outside, but often miss the obvious indicators of good hygiene that women pay attention to like regular dental visits, clean ears, and trimmed clean nails.

So I’ve decided that upon meeting a guy I’m demanding to look at his iPod because if it’s filled with the likes of Lil Wayne, T.I., 50, Rick Ross, or whoever else is in heavy rotation on any major radio station, I know for a fact that he is not the man for me. Pretty much because he’s probably not really a man at all, but an overgrown boy in disguise who’s been brainwashed by the superficial bull**** that challenges my brain more than any chemistry course I ever took, and most likely will leave me fantasizing about a man who has depth and is actually open enough to explore more than what he is force-fed and brainwashed with.

Now I’m not knocking the Top 40 artists. They can get a party started and have the makings of a great workout mix, but mix it up with some jazz or underground artists, even some R&B that exists outside of the 90s or New Jack Swing era. Well, if you want to make a connection with me that is. Because my ears are exposed to the likes of Esthero, Darien Brockington, and Esperanza Spaulding along with Dilla and Sa-Ra, sprinkled with SantiGold, Sarah Vaughn and Otis Redding. Your Top 40 brain can’t compete with the intricate concavity of my level, both intellectual and emotional. I may be able to save us both some frustration and time if instead of exchanging numbers, we exchange iPods.

Alpha Male

Dear Alpha Male,

While I do respect and admire your drive toward your personal goals in the pursuit of accomplishment, I wonder if you will ever realize that your attitude is inhibiting your social growth. I acknowledge your hunter instinct, but in all your roaring and biting that you exhibit as you tear into the hearts of woman-kind, I hope you realize that what you are in fact demonstrating, is the complete opposite of what you are attempting to convey.

A man is one who has matured beyond boyhood. He can effectively communicate his emotions while striving for success and looks to embrace all that manhood entails which does include relationships. When you are quick to temper, you are showing that you have not mastered your emotions and are therefore led by them instead of being in control. That is not the sign of a man. A man also takes accountability for his choices and does not blame them on some other source. To say you have no desire to do something, or no interest is so much stronger than blaming your choice on the busyness of your schedule or interfering obligations. So I challenge you Alpha Male, is it to be a man that you seek, or simply male? The answer to that lies within your words, choices and actions; it is not a birth rite.

Sincerely,

Woman-Kind

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